i think when we dream at night, our dreams are our minds way of telling us "Stop pretending! This is what you really want..."
And lately, i've been dreaming.
Sometimes i kinda hate dreaming because eventually you wake up and realize it was all in your head. That can be both good or bad- depends what you're dreaming of haha. On Sunday, somebody showed up and let's just say, i wasn't expecting him. It literally was the strangest feeling i think i've ever experienced to watch him pull into the parking lot next to us. My heart all of the sudden was pounding a billion times faster than it was just seconds before and i felt like i'd swallowed a whole school of fish that were just swimmin' around in my stomach. But on the outside no one would know, i played it cool. But i just kept thinking to myself "i shouldn't be happy to see him! What the heck Nicole, knock it off!" So i made my way inside the church and sat down as quick as i could. He sat in the front, i sat towards the back...this would be fine. i could handle this. Just ignore him. Besides, there is a boy in Texas that i'm crazy about! The distance and months apart are really hard and we don't always talk much so it's hard to know what's gonna happen, but still, i can't forget about him. i think of him as much as i used to think about that boy sitting up there, who i didn't think i'd ever see again... but now he's here. And i am the most confused i think i've ever felt. So just ignore him, that's my genius plan, and it worked out really well- until the opening song. i realized that there are some peoples voices that no matter how long you're apart, or even how hard you try you won't ever be able to forget. So obviously, it was hard. Much harder than i would have thought, all things considered. There were quite a few times (by accident? coincidence? call it what you want) over the next three hours that we were right there together, in the same room, inches away from eachother yet neither of us said a thing. How sad is that? Seriously. if i could go back, i'd change that. And then, as we're leaving, walking out to the car, he runs over and says "Sister Whitfield! I've been trying to talk to you..." and continues on talking to my mom. But what did i do? Well i turned around facing away from him and stood there like an idiot looking at the ground until i finally walked away over to the car. What the.... ?! i don't think i could have been more stupid and just flat out RUDE. But i wasn't thinking. i was confused about how i felt and i panicked. On the way home i realized almost instantly as we left the parking lot that i regretted acting the way i did. i should have said something, at least a simple "hi". That's when i realized that, chances are, i've been lying to myself about how i really felt. Which causes me to be even more confused. A lot has changed in the year that's gone by, and i'm a different person than i was, as i'm sure he is too. And now i can't help but to wish that i would've talked to him when i had the chance...
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